I used to like going to the sauna, then I came to Italy. The Italians have a weird relationship with the sauna, like it was a new toy that you can dress up and play with. By no means is it a nice calm place where you go to listen to your own thoughts, spend some quality time with yourself just looking out the window, and sweating your ass off with a look on your face that says "oh, it's not hot at all, in fact let's throw some more water on the stove". To us Finns going to the sauna is an art form not to be messed with. But practicing my art here in Italy has turned out to be very difficult. Here's why.
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| when going to the sauna, you should take a nice refreshing swim every 15 min |
The first thing that doesn't sit well with me is that you have to wear a bathing suit. Now I'm no fan of hanging around naked with people I don't know (or with people I know for that matter), but you shouldn't go to the sauna with a bathing suit.
a) because you bring millions of germs with you into the sauna
b) it sticks to your skin like a sticker you found from the cereal box
But ok, I get it, if you can't build two sections, one for the ladies and one for the gentlemen, then it's better to keep your pants on.
The second thing is that they advice you to bring a clean towel with you to sit/lay on. WTF? A towel, no matter how clean in the beginning, will spread even more bacteria than your sticky bathing suit once you've sat on it a few times. If you only went to one of the saunas, in and out + shower + go home, then fine, your originally clean towel can be accepted. But seeing that people go back and forth with their sweaty bottoms, sweaty bathing suits and even sweatier towels, I'd say the soup of bacteria is served. If you want people to sit on something, get them to use one of those disposable butt-covers. Right?? People?? I told about this super idea to one of the guys who works there, and the response was enthusiastic but apparently not enthusiastic enough to do something about it.
The third thing are the weird people in the saunas. Here's the top four.
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| if you notice that you're bathing with pinguins, you've been swimming too long/far |
There always a dude that won't stand still. Usually he's the same dude that has a bathing suit made of a fabric that rustles and swishes and scratches, so when he moves around it's like listening to a autumn storm. First he has an itch on his leg. Then on his nose, and then in his ear. After that he lays down, then sits up, then hitches one of the knees up, then back down. Then suddenly he's really worried and starts to sigh. Or breath heavily, or just blow out hot air because it's fun. I'm on the other side of the sauna getting stressed just by looking and especially listening to him
2) Miss I know I shouldn't use my phone here but I will anyway, and watcha gonna do about it?
There are signs the size of little countries inside the "relax-area" where they indicate that you shouldn't have your cell phone with you. They are written in Italian and English (I think), and even if you don't speak any of those languages you should get the hint when you see the huge picture of a cell phone with an even huger cross over it. Still, there's always someone, usually a woman, who insists on using a cell phone, browsing through FB or some other thing that just can't wait until your done with the bathing. When the phone suddenly rings, they act all surprised and run out saying "yes hi, wait a minute, I'm in the sauna and I'm not supposed to use my cell phone here so I'm gonna step out, just hold on...what, she said what? Really? Well I hear that she didn't really mean it but Sophie was saying that......" and there she goes, off to talk about this super important ordeal with Sophie. Yes, I can see why it couldn't wait.
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| it's also important to breathe some fresh air and rest in a quiet place |
3) Mr and Miss Oh-how-much-I-love-you-hunnybunny
There's always a couple who's madly in love with each other. So much so that this young girl, who's still in the prime of her life and without even a hint of cellulite or love handles, sees me as a threat. I, who at this point have been battling all kinds of new bulges to my ever growing body, am SO not competing even in the same league, or even in the same dressing room with this girl, and yet she gives me the evil eye and sticks like glue to her boyfriend so that it's clear even to the blind man in the jacuzzi that they're madly in love. I feel so weird in their presence that I don't know where to look, so I just tend to close my eyes and go to my happy place.
4) Miss Do you mind if I put my bath essence on the stove?
Now here's the most important reason why Italians don't get sauna. It's not a place to play or decorate. Still, they insist on using all kinds of liquids to add to the water thrown to the stove. Eucalyptus, honey, blackberry.... you name it they got it. And the beauty of it all is that everybody wants to use their own liquid, and in the end your left with an extremely hot room that stinks like a mixture of sweat, honeysuckle and cookie dough. The best part is when they ask if you mind them putting some "herbal essence" on the stove, and you say that you'd rather breathe the normal air in the sauna, they look at you like YOU're the one not getting the point of sauna. Yes, I only went there twice a week for 30 years. I obviously know nothing about it.
So, there you have it. My 4 reasons for spending a not-relaxing day at the sauna. Oh, and people, sauna is not for having sex. If you have sex in the sauna, you will die. I repeat, you will die.
And don't tell me you haven't been warned.
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