The difference between empathy and sympathy

What's the difference between sympathy and empathy? This is a question for which everybody thinks they know the answer, then start to explain it only to find out that it's not that clear after all. It's like the offside rule in soccer, you think you know it, but then again you don't.

I found this little film online which explains it perfectly. Here's the link.
Klick to see the film "Abbracciami" (it's in English)

So the fox is the one who's feeling bad. The bear is "empathy" and the deer is "sympathy". The fist thing that came to mind was "ain't sympathy a bitch". I had never thought that being sympathetic is actually not such a nice thing. Being sympathetic means that you really don't care much about my problems, even though you're trying to make me feel better by saying something that you THINK that will make me feel better, when actually you're not making me feel better at all, or you're maybe even belittling my problem and therefore making me feel worse.

The bear, who feels empathy for the fox, is trying to put himself in the foxes shoes. He's genuinely trying to imagine what the fox is feeling. The problem is that if you haven't been in the same situation, how the hell are you going to be able to do that. How can you imagine what it's like when e.g. someone's family member dies, if you've never lost anyone so close to you? You can't. I think that this is the moment when empathy turns into sympathy for most people. People want to be empathetic, but when they realize that they can't do it, but still they find themselves in this situation where they should try to make the other person feel better, they go for the easy way out, which would be sympathy. It's the lack of experience in the matter that fucks you up. In the end you end up saying something that really doesn't help at all, like "well, at least you still have your other parent who's alive" (like explained in the film, "at least" is the mother of all fuckups when it comes to consoling someone). And with this sentence you just turned from someone empathetic to someone sympathetic.

The worst people are those who use the "at least" to indicate that the person suffering has still something that YOU don't. As in "my dog is sick" "Well, at least you HAVE a dog, my parents never let me have one". So, not only does the person suffer from the fact that his/her dog is sick, but now they have to feel bad also for the person who's totally dogless. Now what the hell is that about? Is your misery supposed to make me feel better about my misery? If I've lost a finger and you've lost a whole hand, does it mean that my fingerless hand doesn't hurt? It bloody well does. It hurts no matter what limbs anyone else has lost, it's my pain and I'm entitled to it.

It's hard to be empathetic, it really is. Most of us are burdened with our own worries, so putting ourselves in a position where we need to take on the pain of others, even if it is only for a while, seems too much to handle. You just don't want to bother, when you can use the sympathy card instead. It's almost the same thing, right?

I usually don't make promises for the New Year. I think you should be able to change the things that you don't like about yourself any day of the year, not just one. If you can't do it on the 28th of March, you can't do it on the first of January either. However, seeing that it's almost new year, this time I'd like to give it a go.

I'd like to be a bit more empathetic. When I find myself in a situation where the other person is suffering for something, I'd try to be there for him/her. If it's a situation that I know nothing about, instead of saying "well at least..." I could say exactly what they instruct you to say in the film. "Wow, I really can't imagine what that's like, but I'm here to listen if you want to talk about it". How much does it cost me, a little bit of my time?

Sadly though giving someone our time seems to be the hardest thing these days. If it were possible most of us would rather give money then our time. Especially me, as I'm extremely jealous of my time, I reserve most of it for me these days. So next year, I'll try to be empathetic, and listen, without hurry.

Also, since we're talking about giving time, next year I'd like to donate some of it also to some worthy cause, like volunteering at the animal shelter. This year I donated money, but next year it's time to step up and get my hands dirty. Literally, as those abandoned little rascals are often not so tidy when they come in. I may not be mom-material for a human baby, but by god I would love those little homeless animals like there was no tomorrow. 

Seeing that in the next few days I'll be super busy preparing for my trip to the motherland, I'll use the opportunity now to wish you all happy holidays, and an empathetic new year 2014!