Je veux jambon, merci.

I work in a somewhat international environment. A part from Italians I talk with the Finns (well duh), Swedes, Americans, Germans, Austrians and the French. I don't speak all of these languages fluently, but in theory, by the power vested in me by the hours of language lessons taken during the 30+ years of my life, I should be able to say something in each of these languages. At least the basic things, who I am, why I'm calling, and "sorry but the person you're looking for isn't available at the moment, would you like to leave a message?". But in reality, things aren't that easy.

I speak fluently Finnish, English and Italian. I speak fairly well Swedish, in theory. I used to speak Swedish really well when I still lived in Finland, it's actually a language that I like a lot. When I'm at home alone, when I'm speaking by myself in Swedish (yeeees yeeees I'm weird and I talk by myself using foreign languages), I'm a rather skillful Swedish-speaker. I write Swedish well, apart from having forgotten some of the words, but that's what Google translator is for. Still, when I they call me from Sweden, I sometimes freeze up. I can't remember any of the words, and sometimes I forget why I called in the first place. Yes, it's just lack of practice, but still the difference is huge comparing to the fluent Swedish I speak at home by myself. It's rather baffling, and a little sad. I never know how to describe my Swedish skills in my CV. I wish there was an option somewhere between "fluent" and "intermediate", like "fluent speaker in closed premises" or "fluent with the cat".

I've also studied French for 5 years, and got a super-grade on it when I graduated high school in 2000. So, what, 14 years ago? GOD I'M OLD. So naturally I've forgotten most of it, but it amazes me that after all the studying I can't seem to come with a single word when I suddenly get a call from France and the caller doesn't speak any English. Ok, it's a situation that I wasn't prepared for, but not even a simple bonjour comes out of my mouth. Instead I start speaking English to him veeeeeery veeeeeeeeeery slowly. Of course he understands everything I'm saying even though he claims not to speak English (like all French people), and I understand everything he says to me in French. Still, all I can muster up is a "merci, au revoir" before hanging up. It's a disgrace folks, a disgrace.

nope, I'm not fine at all

I sometimes fly with Air France. When the hostess greets me at the entrance of the plain, in French, I always respond with a really nice and fluent "Bonjour!". The problem is that after that they think I'm actually French, and later on when they come to ask me if I want a cheese or ham sandwich, they do it in French. And even though I by now know to expect this, and I kinda prepare myself to respond in French, I always freak out in the end and what comes out is English. Would it really be so hard to say "jambon" or "fromage"? Evidently it is.

Well, the French hostess isn't much better either, after having heard my response in English she asks me what I'd like to drink, in French. I blame it on the noise in the plane, and she probably didn't hear me speak in English. But most likely she's just a mean French hostess who hates me for not knowing her language.

I've studied German for 6 months now. In some ways it's a lot like Swedish, so that helps a lot. I've noticed that once you've lived abroad and you've had to learn a new language quick, you develop a skill to understand new languages, any language, in a short period of time. I might not be able to say many things in German yet (or more like say things correctly in German), but I've learned how to listen and understand German in a matter of a few months. We'll see how it goes when I get my first call from a German person who doesn't speak English. I'll let you know.

The thing is that with all these languages in my head, I've started to lose my Finnish. Or I start a sentence in English and somewhere in the middle it turns into Italian. Or I'm writing something in Swedish, get a call from a colleague and suddenly can't speak a word of Italian, bara svenska. I translate the sayings in Italian into Finnish, only to find out that it doesn't make any sense.

When you speak lots of languages daily, in the end you're not fluent in any of them. Not even your mother's tongue. Kinda makes you wonder if all this studying and messing about with different languages is causing me more damage than anything else.

folks, don't go learning Italian  in order to understand this message,
in the end it's not that important

So folks, what have we learned today? That learning languages is bad. We should all stay in our homes, in our own countries, not talk to strangers, and watch TV shows dubbed in our own language. Stick with what you know and be good at that. We have 5 million people in Finland, so don't tell me you can't find a fellow countryman to talk to if you fancy a chit-chat. No need to talk with foreigners, it'll just confuse you.

To the ones who didn't get that the above is called irony, I hope you take my advice. For the rest of you, wishing you a super international day!