Life, part II

Sometimes I make a stupid-ass mistake and go to bed too early. What this means is that I wake up around 2am and can't sleep anymore, so for about 3 hours I think about stupid shit that I'd never think about during the day. Also, like you can imagine, the things I think about have little or no meaning to me in the real life, but during the wee hours of the night they become huge and almost impossible to overcome.

An example.
When I was moving to Italy 3 years ago, I was rather stressed out since I had only 6 weeks to pack up my life and go. During the days I wrestled with things like where to put my couch while I'm away and who might take care of my pet gecko. Pretty normal things to worry about, but would surely be arranged in some way. During the night I thought about how the hell to have breakfast on my last morning in Finland, because I obviously couldn't leave any food behind in the refrigerator. Also, I was super worried about where to put my cover and pillow after I wake up on the last morning. For some reason I didn't say to myself "go have breakfast out with your family, and give the cover and the pillow to your mom while she's having her coffee". No, instead I stayed awake until 5am worrying about it.

Last night I went to bed too early, and at 2am started thinking about what happens when I die. 

If I was a person who practiced her religion (evangelic lutheran btw) I'd have this all figured out. You go to heaven (or hell...) and that's it. Good deal, no worries, I'm covered. But I'm not a religious person, so I have some doubts about the existence of heaven/hell.

Should I believe in reincarnation I wouldn't be worried either. You die and then come back, good deal, no worries. If not for reincarnating as Dennis Rodman or a dung beetle. But I'm not convinced about reincarnation either, so I'm back to square one.

An eternity in a box....

Occasionally I bring the subject up with my friends (not too often, I don't want to come off as the weirdo who doesn't know what to do when she dies). Usually it goes something like this.

me: What does one do when they die?
him: What do you mean? As in will they put you in a coffin or will you be cremated, or what?
me: No, as in "whatcha gonna do" when you die?
him: Eeeee, well dear, you don't do anything, you're dead
me: You mean that I'm supposed to just not do anything until forever and ever, like millions of years?
him: Sweetie, you're dead, you don't need to do anything, you're just dead. There.
me: Where?
him: What do you mean where?
me: As in where will I be?
him: Nowhere, you're dead. Physically you're underground, mentally you don't exist
me: But I have to be somewhere. I can't just disappear. When I die, where should I go?
him: For all I care you can go to hel................. I don't know dear, I'll think about it and let you know
me: Ok, thanks

I know I sound like a 3 year old who hasn't quite understood the concept of death, but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that one day I'll just disappear. My body and soul will vanish for good. And the concept of not doing "anything" for the next gazillion years is hard to accept. And how long is that anyway? How long do I do this "nothing"? Until Earth blows up? And then what?

Huh, I guess this is one of the reasons why people start believing in God, they can't deal with the fact that maybe there's no afterlife.

...or maybe I'll come back as a piece of Spanish artwork.
No wait, that's just a pile of rocks.

Well, instead of turning to religion for answers, I'm just going to decide now, once and for all, that when I die I will go to this really nice place X, and there will be some really cool job awaiting for me. Like "the boss of the warehouse with red and blue stuff in it" or "manager of all things shiny". So, to put it shortly, a delightful task with zero responsibility to do for the rest of the existence of the universe.

And beyond.

In the meantime, maybe I'll just try to take care of the lifetime I have at hand.