What I'm about to say is in no way related to tonight's events, and reflects in no way my opinion of the artist. It just that I had about 30min of time to think about stuff while listening to this musical ambient created before my eyes.
Recently I've noticed that I can go see an art show, a musical performance, a theatrical experience etc. and get very caught up in it, so much that I believe it's the best thing ever and I'm so fortunate to have been there to experience it. I even buy the CD or the painting or whatnot. By the time I get home I'm already thinking that it wasn't actually that cool, and by the next morning I'm trying to sell the CD that I'd bought.
That's me these days. Dazed and confused, so lost that I'm willing to accept anything as my savior, so desperately trying to find something that anything will do.
This applies to almost everything in my life at the moment. Work, place to live, languages to speak, interests in general etc. I don't know what I want, so just to be on the safe side I want it all.
I've been trying to figure out how this thing works. Am I just someone who gets bored easily? Maybe once I was sincerely interested in X, but then over time lost interest? Or is it that I never really was interested in X at all, but I reallyreally wanted to be so I made myself believe it? Am I wagging the dog's tail or is the dog wagging me? Like seriously wagging, as in taking my head and hitting it against the wall until I pass out? I truly believe that over the years I've become the master of auto-convincing. The problem is that fake-enthusiasm never lasts, and in the end the truth always comes out.
With guys it works a bit differently. I'm not saying that it's fake, that I auto-convince myself to start a relationship with people I don't care about. When it comes to guys/boyfriends I'm always in it with my whole heart. I only start to auto-convince myself when things start to go badly wrong. I'm missing the WTF-effect I usually get with other things!! I get the WTF -effect only when it's already too late, as in when we're already broken up (not because I wanted to, but because he wanted to). Of course this doesn't apply to all of my relationships, I've had nice ones too. Well, I've had A nice relationship anyway.
I'm wondering if this is a defect of mine, or if it's a phenomenon of society today. The media throws so many things at us in such high velocity and with nice vibrant colors that we're left catching them left and right, not having enough time to concentrate on anything. So we try to suck it all in, inhale, exhale, and just to be on the safe side we hit the like-button with all of them. It's only afterwards that we start to think if we actually like it or not. Sometimes I feel like a helpless child in my crib, watching the mobile above my head, not understanding what I'm seeing but still feeling extermely excited about it. Until the mobile slows down and I see that it's just a bunch of bears and rabbits and flowers and shit.
This thing is starting to bother me more and more, because I'm starting to get to the age where I would like to have certain things decided and clear in my head. Like what my career will be and where do I want to live. But I seem to have a new diehard idea about these things every 5 minutes and it's getting a bit hard to decide anything. And the more I question the more confused I get. Someday I'll run out of new mobiles and I'm afraid I just have to pick the less boring one to hold on to for the rest of my life.
Is that what life's all about? Choosing the less annoying alternative and sticking with it?
Can't be. I will keep searching and changing my mind until I find what ever the hell I'm looking for. It might get me an ulcer, but if it means being happy in the end, then it'll be worth it. And I will get there. One day the mobile will stop spinning and I'll like what I see.
And it's not going to be bears and rabbits and flowers and shit.
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