Tips for men on how to talk to women, and especially what NOT to say

I listen to the Finnish Radio Aalto in the morning. There's this group of 3 people in the studio, a woman who's a real power house, a guy who's just been divorced (or separated anyway) and a gay guy. They have the weirdest and funniest conversations and they often give me something to think about.

This morning they talked about a list that was called "19 tips for men on how to get along with women". It wasn't surprising that there were 19 tips, after all it was a list made by women, and therefore totally without any logic to begin with. A man would have listed 10 or 20 tips, a woman lists 19. "Because it's our right to list 19 tips if we damn well want to". Yes yes just do your freakin list.

in an emergency you can try bribing
the woman with a childish toy

Anyways, they picked one tip from the bunch and started talking about it. "If a women has a problem, don't try to fix it, just empathize". Apparently this causes a lot of problems to many couples, and I can totally see why, even though my reasons for getting angry about this matter are totally different. See, if a woman has a problem, she just wants you to feel sorry for her, to let her know that you feel her pain and that you understand perfectly why this matter is indeed a problem for her. Even if the problem she has is "oh my god I ran out of cotton balls today and had to use cotton sheets instead" or "oh my god my favorite shirt that I had picked out to wear today has a stain and now I have to change the whole outfit". If she sees these things as a problem, so should you. And you should be supportive.


The worst thing you can do is try to fix the problem without first showing that you understand it. A man sees a problem to be solved, a woman sees huggykissytime. If you try to fix the problem, you're depriving the woman of her problem, and therefore depriving her of huggykissytime. Also, it shows that you haven't been listening to her and her needs. She's not looking for a solution, she just wants your big arms around her for a second. When you've done the consoling part, then and ONLY THEN can you go about suggesting a solution to the problem.

Now I personally don't need so much consoling,  nor do I need a solution. If I tell you about a problem I have, it's mostly because I need to talk to someone about it in order to fix it in my own head. You know how talking to people about a problem sometimes helps you clear your own thoughts and suddenly you've resolved the problem by yourself?  That's what I'm after. When a guy starts telling me how to fix my problem, I feel sort of invaded and also a bit offended about the fact that clearly he thinks I can't solve it by myself. I get even angrier when a guy insists that his solution is the only one and that if I don't do as he says, I will continue to have the same problem. Oooooooooooooooo this really gets me mad. If I tell you about a problem, just listen. Now, if I go out of my way to ask you for advice, I'd appreciate to have your take on it, but only if you don't make me accept your opinion as the absolute truth on the matter.

There's also the I-told-you-so-factor. Never tell a woman "I told you so" if you don't want her to rip your eyes out. If there's an I-told-you-so-situation,it means that there's already enough trouble, the woman is feeling vulnerable and she doesn't need a man to tell her that his solution would've been better. Especially because you don't know if it had been better or not. So just keep your mouth shut and let me feel your compassion.

... or you can give her candy.
Mmmmmm.... caaandyyyyy.....

It all seems to boil down to not-wanted-information. A man mistakes the woman's worrying as a request for advice, when that's not the case. Sometimes the man gives advice even when the woman is not worried or expressing that she has a problem. I'm not sure if that's a man-thing or a person-thing in general, still, I've had this problem only with men and never with women. Or at least women stop doing it if you tell them that you don't need their advice, where a man will do it over and over and over again.

I change my hair often (like explained already before). When I go out with my new hair, I don't expect to get commented on it. That's because we Finns often don't make such comments because we feel that we might be putting the other person in an awkward situation. If feel the need to make a comment, just say "oh you've cut your hair". That's nice and neutral and doesn't imply anything about whether you think the hairdresser has done a good job or not. Still, at least here in Italy, I've found that men feel the need to make a proper evaluation of your new scalp. They will also tell you that it sucks, if that's the way they feel. And that would be totally fine had I asked for their opinion, but since I hadn't, they could just keep their opinion to themselves. I don't need the positive comments either, since they make me feel awkward (like a true Finn). If I hear "oh but you looked so much better before" one more time, I might just kill someone.

So, to sum it all up, don't give advice to a woman unless she specifically asks for it. If she asks for advice, and you have some advice to give, please serve it with a nice "well, in my opinion you could..." and not with "here's what you have to do and if you don't then well you're just stupid".

That's not too hard is it?
Yes, now I'm asking.
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