The difficult life of Lady Gaga

When I was 17 and an exchange student in the USA I had this bracelet that said "What Would Jesus Do?". It was the hip thing those days among the teenagers to wear these bracelets to demonstrate that in your mind Jesus was the right person to turn to when you needed advice. This lasted about 3 months, and then I came to the conclusion that the advice of Jesus was somewhat outdated and I would be better off asking someone else. Like the neighbor. Still, for about 3 months I asked Jesus for advice when I felt confused.

"wait what I have to eat THIS?"

This past week I've found myself in a few embarrassing and confusing situations.

Like when I was at the gym, sweating my ass off and breathing heavily like a professional call girl, and in walks this gorgeous guy I know. And if he usually doesn't talk to me, NOW he decides that it's time to know me better and stops for a chat as I'm leaving a puddle of sweat the size of Texas by my feet.

Or when I found out that my kittycat had worms and decided that I needed to be de-wormed as well (you can never be too careful with these things), and when I called the doctor for some medicine she wanted to know all about my bodily functions and if my ass had started to itch. Not exactly the conversation you want to have with a complete stranger, especially if you're making the call from work. Even if she is your doctor.

And FYI, no my ass hadn't started to itch, and no I didn't have worms.

Still in the middle of these embarrassing situations I always manage to console myself saying "don't worry, it could be worse, you could be famous". In these embarrassing situations I ask myself what would Lady Gaga do?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about famous people. I'm wondering why anyone in their right mind would like to famous these days? If I, a total nobody, feel awkward in these above mentioned everyday situations, it must be twice as hard for someone famous. Can you imagine Lady Gaga at the doctor's office explaining that she's constipated? It's like having to talk to the doctor about your itching ass knowing that tomorrow it'll be all over the news. Who the hell wants to live like that?

I have this reoccurring nightmare about being filmed or photographed in my sleep. Imagine if that was your reality? That there really might be someone who wants a photo of you sleeping. I also used to worry about what people thought about me and my decisions, and was convinced that people were talking about me. That ended very quickly when a friend of mine said to me that people don't have time to discuss my life because they are too busy worrying about their own, and do I really think that I'm that interesting that people would spend hours and hours discussing my life?  That cured me right up. But what if that WAS the case, what if you were famous and people WERE discussing your life and your actions? Every little thing you do is discussed in online chat groups and analyzed to the last tee? It's not paranoia like in my case, it's what's really happening. They're watching you, and you should be very, very scared.

I don't know why I think about Lady Gaga so often. I'm not a fan or anything, nor do I hate her either. I just seem to think that her life is more difficult than that of other famous people. When Lady Gaga puts on a dress made of meat, are we interested in Lady Gaga's "latest fling", or are we interested in the weirdness of the  dress? If I put on a dress made out of meat would it even be interesting, or just stupid?  What's more interesting, Lady Gaga wearing something weird and outrageous, or Beyoncè walking on the street with dirty hair? I believe the latter one is more interesting to most people. That's why I think being Lady Gaga is really difficult, because having dirty hair won't get you anywhere anymore. If she wants to be noticed she has to butcher five cows and wear them on the red carpet. That's more than an every day's honest work I think. She's reaching the point where nothing she does is interesting anymore, because she's already done it all.

my morning cup of tee

Does Lady Gaga do normal things anymore? When she wakes up in the morning, does she drink her coffee from a normal cow-mug like everyone else, or does she have to have a mug made of tinfoil and baked eggs? Does she own one of those rolling-things with velcro that remove the cat hair from your clothes, or does she use some other battery-operated sticky thing with Swarowsky crystals on it? Does her remote control run out of batteries like mine and therefore for one day I need to walk up to the TV in order to change the channels, or does she have some satellite observing her from the space who sends a signal to a representative of Duracell who changes the batteries while she sleeps?  Does she have any normality in her life anymore, or is it all just animal carcasses and hats made of yesterday's garbage?

Any person's life is difficult. A famous person's life is very difficult. Being Lady Gaga has to be a constant struggle and a real pain in the ass.

Of course there are also super famous people who you don't see in the headlights. Ever. Until one day they come up for air and appear on the cover of some magazine saying "I never talk about my life". And yet there they are, talking about it. These are the stupidest people ever, because you had it all: you're famous, you have a luxurious life and still you've managed to keep your privacy. And now it's gone, and you're in the magazine talking about your kittycat's worms. No more sweating at the gym without worries, it's all ruined.

So the next time you're in a pickle, just think about the fortune of not being famous. 
I feel lucky already.