The first and last time I'll talk about clothing, part II

First things first. I get to go to the airport today. Again, I'll be picking up people and not even entering the building, but it doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts. And maybe I'll see the chicken again.

Also, yesterday, I watched Terminal on TV. You know the movie where Tom Hanks lives at the airport for 7 months or something. Now how cool is that??!! Although, I doubt they would let me build water fountains or play matchmaker with the homeland security officer.

OK, now I can get to the actual theme of the day. That is.... the fanny pack. I know I said I wouldn't talk about clothes anymore, but technically, a fanny pack isn't a piece of clothing. It's a pouch of bad taste hanging from your hips, like an extra love handle that never goes away no matter how many crunches you do at the gym. A tiny little friend that eats all your money and other valuables only to vomit them out when you need them.

In short, a nasty little thing.

Obviously this is just my opinion, which has been molded over many years of horror, looking at Finnish tourists abroad. Because in Finland the little bastard is worn mostly by Finns (usually men) going to the Canarie Islands or Fuerteventura for a vacation in February "when it's cold and dark in the motherland". The fanny pack is usually black, made of cheap fabric, worn at the front, below the stomach which is bulging over the collar of the cargo pants, right over the "other fanny pack". It's accompanied by sandals with velcro and white socks. These are the people who go for a vacation in a place where they can find other Finnish people, eat Finnish food, drink Finnish coffee called Kultamokka or Presidentti, and sing Karaoke. Other people go abroad to experience a new culture, see new things and taste new foods. The Finns with a funny pack go abroad in order to do the same things they were doing at home, only in a warmer climate. Now, who am I to say that this is wrong, but could you at least leave the fanny pack at home?

Even I've used the fanny pack.When I was 9 and had to go to a local Six Flags and mom was worried I'd lose all my money going round and around in all the gadgets. I hated it even then, but I have to admit that it did keep my money safe. But that's the thing, it's OK to wear the fanny pack if you're a child and are not yet able to hold on to your things without this large hump strapped tightly to your side. If you're still wearing it after you're 16, it just means that you never grew up to be a responsible adult, and you still need mommy to strap on the fanny pack in order for you to hold on to the 50 pees you've saved up from your weekly allowance.

The reason why I'm going on about this like a dog with rabies is because I had a long conversation about the fanny pack with one of my male friends here in Italy. He wears the fanny pack, but I do have to give it to the Italians, they manage to carry the damn thing with a little dignity.

He says he has to have it because, unlike all the other men in this world, he doesn't like to stuff his pant pockets with keys and the wallet and leftover snacks from the lunch the day before. He prefers to keep his stuff nicely tucked in a fanny pack. But he carries it a bit differently. Listen up little Finn, this is how you do it (if you absolutely can't do without your bulgy friend).

First of all, he doesn't carry it up front, but on the side. Not above your ass, but to the side and back. Carrying a fanny pack on your ass is the mother of all things stupid, because not only are you carrying around an ugly fanny pack, but you're also inviting people to steal from it. Second of all, the fanny pack is made of leather or some other nice fabric, not coretex. Thirdly, it's nice and flat, like an envelope turned to it's side, and it doesn't have silly key chains the size of Greenland hanging from it. Fourthly, you don't stuff it with all your earthly possessions, and you hide it under your garments if possible (if you manage to do it without looking like a stuffed animal).

In Italy men also carry around little purses, but to me, it's a little gayish. Depends on the guy and what kind of a purse we're talking about, but in general they're not my favorites either. I might not go out with a guy with a purse. I already feel a little lesbian sometimes with my short hair, so dating a guy with a purse might just be a bit too much for me to handle.

now here's a likable PACK.
The al-pack. Muahhaha.
Image courtesy of Bill Longshaw/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Indeed, if you're a guy and you have things to carry around, and you don't want to stuff them in your pockets, I'd say you're in quite a pickle. Yet there are millions of guys who go around without fanny packs or purses and still they seem to have everything they need.  How you've solved this matter, I will never know. But to all of you carrying on with your everyday lives without a fanny pack, I salute you.

PS. Do you know how many times I wrote "funny pack" instead of "fanny pack" ? 15. And it's not funny at all.